It's been a while since I have posted.  It gets especially hard as we get closer to the summer since it is only a few more weeks until Tom's 61st birthday, and the same time last year that he was diagnosed with cancer.  I never thought I would be sitting here alone now.  I was so sure he would recover.  He had such a good attitude and was so strong.

I know that many of you who have talked to me lately think that sometimes I am morbid when I say I would rather be dead than be here.  My counselor put it in perspective when he said "You want to be dead because you want to be with Tom".  That's exactly it.  I would be anywhere that he is.

Several of you have asked me repeatedly about how you can help and what you can do.  Your being there through this whole thing has been invaluable.  I have come up with a task that many of you already know about.  May 14 and 15 I am having a deck building party to put a deck on the back of our home.   Tom would have done this had he been here.  I am not capable of doing it so I'm asking for help.  I will supply all of the food, drinks and materials, I need the builders.  Our brother in law drew up the plans for the deck.  Thank you Ray.  I have to take them to the lumber yard and get the materials, which will be delivered here on or before that date.  Whether you want to help build or just hang out you are welcome to come and I hope to see you here.

Plans for the Lungevity walk are coming along.  I met with the person at NHTI last week.  We will be able to use the bathrooms at the tech, we have a DJ, we have volunteers to coordinate registration, the distribution of the t-shirts, and guidance for the walk; we have a vendor who is coming from NY to sell rings she makes ($20/each) and give 1/2 of the proceeds to Lungevity.  I still have a lot of work to do (sponsors, in kind donations etc) but it is coming along.  I will also be soliciting teams to join us in the walk.  I hope to see all of you there.  It really is for a good cause.

I believe that I live in one of the best communities around.  The minister still comes to visit to see how I'm doing.  I went to the recycling center last week and a gentleman  helped me take my garbage out of my vehicle.  People here really care, and it does make a difference.

 My sister in law posted the following on FaceBook and I thought it was worth sharing with you (thanks Carla)

My curfew was the street lights, my mom didn't call my cell, she yelled my name, I played outside with friends, not online. If I didn't eat what my mom cooked, then I didn't eat. Sanitizer didn't exist, but you COULD get your mouth washed out with soap. I rode a bike without a helmet, getting dirty was OK, and neighbors gave a damn as much as your parents did. Re-post if you drank water from a garden hose and survived.

Those statements are so true for those of us who grew up actually playing outside, instead of inside on the computer or the WII.   We actually played things like "tag" and "jump rope", softball, kick ball, hopscotch and they didn't have to be organized and expensive.  When we got older we went to dances, to the beach, not the Mall (we didn't have any money).  We actually spent time together rather than socializing via texting. There was a wholesomeness about growing up years ago that I'm not sure kids today get to experience.  It's a little sad.

Speaking of kids today....I have some theories on bullying and getting fat from eating McDonald's.  How is it that bullying is so out of control that there actually have to be laws to control it rather than parents?  Why is it that, as parents, we allow bullying to get so bad that kids feel so desperate they feel the only way out is suicide?  Two thoughts - we as parents, need to teach our kids that bullying is unacceptable - we as parents ,need to teach our kids to have enough confidence in themselves that if someone does bully them it is the bully's issue, not the one being bullied.


A similar theme holds true with McDonald's.  Here's the million dollar question.....Is it McDonald's that makes kids fat or is it that parents allow their kids to go to McDonald's more often than they eat healthy meals at home?  That is the question parents should be asking themselves.

How did we come to a world where everything is always someone else fault?  We need laws for bullying?  We insist McDonald's change their menu rather than choose not to eat there??

Just something to think about.

Thank you Jeanne and Kerry for your comments on the last blog.  You're right Kerry, I have to remind myself to read that poem, especially when I'm crying because I try to do something and have no clue how to begin and don't want to ask for help.

Our electrician Jeff, who has been here every weekend since Tom was diagnosed with cancer last May continues to stop at least once a week.  If he doesn't stop he calls.  How lucky are we to have such a friend?  If you are reading this Jeff, thank you.

Thanks to those of you who continue to read the blog.  I'll keep you updated on the November walk.

It seems to strange to me to be updating the blog and not be able to tell you how Tom is doing.

I received the following poem from a friend of mine a while ago and thought it was worth sharing with you.

You can shed tears that he is gone
    or smile because he lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back to you
    or you can open your eyes and see all he left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
    or can be full of the love you shared
                                              - David Harkins

There are many things that I miss about Tom and worse is that he was so capable of doing so many things and I don't even know where to being.  The toilet broke and I didn't know how to fix it.  The water softener filter needs to be changed and I can't get the cover off.  I can't fix the timer on the towel warmer.  Every where I look, the little things he took care of, and some not so little.  I'm lost.  I can't find my way.  And I'm scared.  How do I live without him?  People keep telling me it will get easier.  It isn't.  I know I'm not the first person to ever have to go through this but I just don't know how it's done.

In a previous blog I mentioned the 5k walk that I am coordinating to take place on November 5 at NHTI to raise money for lung cancer research.  Last Sunday I decided to start contacting some local newspapers to ask for free ad space,  not only to advertise the walk but, to inform folks about the devastating effects of lung cancer.  As a result of my inquiries, on Friday the Laconia Citizen came to my home to interview me for a human interest story.  I had the journalist in tears with my story.   I am so grateful they took an interest.    I will take all the publicity I can get if it helps people learn more about lung cancer and if it helps to raise money for lung cancer research.

I also had a meeting with the Oncologist last week.  It was not our imagination that Tom seemed to be getting better.  The Oncologist indicated with Tom's original cancer diagnosis, and the aggressive treatment they administered, he expected him to recover.  The cancer that showed up in his spine was a shock to his physician team as much as it was to us.  When I asked if it was related to the lung cancer he said he couldn't be sure but had to assume it was.    He also said he would try to be more forthcoming in supplying his patients with more information in the future.

I want to share some lung cancer statistics with you.  You'll be seeing these again in the future as we gear up for the November walk.

• Lung cancer is the NUMBER 1 cancer killer.  More than breast, prostate, colon, ovarian, non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, and melanoma cancers combined.
• Lung cancer impacts 1 in 14 Americans.
• More than 1 1/2 times as many women die of lung cancer as breast cancer
• 65% of Americans diagnosed with lung cancer have either never smoked a cigarette in their lives or have quit smoking.
• Less than 15% of people diagnosed with lung cancer survive 5 years post-diagnosis because it is discovered too late.
• There is no widely available effective early diagnostic tool available today.
• If lung cancer is caught before it spreads, the chance for survival improves to over 60%.

Do you know why fewer people die of breast and colon cancer?  Because of early detection as a result of screenings available.

As I have become more involved in the Lungevity Foundation and the upcoming walk I have learned more about lung cancer.  Before Tom was diagnosed with it we didn't think about it.  I ask myself, why is that?  Breast cancer fundraising efforts are advertised all the time.   Colonoscopy's are recommended, by physicians, after a certain age.  Breast cancer awareness, breast and colon early screenings are due to efforts of folks like you and me who pushed for these things to happen.

When I see folks I haven't seen for a while and they find out Tom passed away from lung cancer, the first thing they ask is "did he smoke?"  I think that is an incredibly narrow minded comment.   Given the above statistics, only 35% of those who smoke die of lung cancer.  What's more baffling to me though, is if someone passes away from breast cancer we don't ask "Were they taking hormone replacement therapy drugs?  Did they eat right in order to prevent breast cancer? Were they overweight?"  These are some of the causes of breast cancer but it never occurs to us to ask these questions.  When someone passes away from colon cancer we don't ask if "they ate enough fiber", "if they were overweight".  Isn't it the same thing?  More importantly, Tom did not deserve to die this way.  He never did anything in his life to warrant the pain and suffering he endured as a result of this horrible disease.

I would be the first to say I would much rather stop big tobacco from manufacturing and selling smoking products.  It isn't going to happen.  There is too much money involved and too many influential people that aren't going to let that happen.  Cigarettes are the most addictive drug on the market.  We can say smokers knew the risk.  We could say that about crossing the street.  Doesn't it seem that early detection, as with other cancers, would be the answer?  Or, do we bury our heads in the sand and say "Well, if they smoked they made their choice".  Is it a choice?  If it is, why don't you loose the 10 lbs you've been trying to loose forever?  Why don't you work out every day like you said you would?  If you don't couldn't you have the next heart attack?  Does the prospect of that make you take better care of yourself?  We're all out there, as long as it's not happening to us.   

I am going to do everything in my power to make the November walk, in memory of Tom, work.  I want to bring an awareness to lung cancer and some day maybe there will be early detection.  Someday there may be a widow sitting in her house all alone, missing her husband, but it won't be from lung cancer.  Some day.

Thank you Brenda and Kerry for your comments on the last blog.  Your comments, as always are very much appreciated.

Thank you all.

I will start this Blog with the response I received from Tom's Oncologist....

"Dear Ms. Drolet

I received and read your recent letter with great sadness. I am very sorry that I and my staff did not provide the support that you feel you and your husband needed in his time of need. Our best efforts were not enough and for that I am truly sorry.

Tom developed a dramatic and relatively unusual development with metastatic disease in and around the covering of the spinal cord. I want to reassure you that every attempt was made to help improve his pain control and his overall functioning. However, nothing that we could have done would have changed the course of his illness. It is the sad but unfortunate truth.

His loss was, I know, truly devastating to you. If we could be of any help in answering any of your questions about his illness or if you feel that a talk with either the hospice social worker and bereavement counselor or a talk with Paula Plona, our oncology social worker here at the Payson Cancer Center, might be of benefit, please let us know.

Again, I am very sorry that we fell short of fully supporting you and your husband.

Also, thank you very much for sending me the book Love, Medicine and Miracles. I very much appreciate it.

Again, my condolences to you on your husband's passing."

I believe his response is sincere.  I am going to call him tomorrow to make an appointment to talk to him about Tom's cancer.  I know it won't bring Tom back, although I would give anything if I could, I still need answers.  There are those of you reading this Blog who would think this is a waste of time but please believe me if you are ever in the position  I am in now you would feel differently.  I hope my letter will help the next family who has to deal with this devastating disease.

Thank you so much Kerry for your comment on the last Blog.    You say Tom did not deserve this disease.  You were there.  You know how he looked in the Hospice House.   To see someone like Tom, who never stopped, end up the way he did was devastating.  To watch it happen day after day was heartbreaking for me and for anyone else who watched the disease unfold. 

I can't tell you all how many times I've known folks who have lost spouses or loved ones.  I've said I am sorry and truly meant it.  There is no possible way you can really understand what happens to the ones left behind until you've been there.  I know I didn't.  Any of you who know Tom and I know that we not only loved but respected each other.  How does one recover from that?  Any of you who know me also know the last thing I want is pity or sympathy.  Believe me when I say I wished I could feel differently.  I wished there were just one day that I would not be crying.  I wished there were just one day that I didn't see the look in Tom's eyes when he knew he was going to die.  I wished there were just one day I didn't remember him withering away.  I wished there were one day, just one, that I could talk to him, hold him, be with him, if only for one minute, just one.

I finally went to see my Mom this weekend.  She is 86.  I may have mentioned this in a previous blog but I never told her Tom was sick because she is home bound and I thought there would be no point in worrying her.  I haven't seen her for several months and it took all the courage I had to see her because I knew I would fall apart.  She asked how I was doing and we both started crying.  She lost my Dad when he was 47.  He dropped dead of a heart attack.  She told me "they say it gets better but it never does".  I believe her.  This kind of trauma changes you.  

I love our kids.  I love our grandchildren.  I am not lying to you when I tell you that I wished I had died that day with Tom.  Again, please know I do not say this for sympathy.  I have discussed this with our kids.  They know how much I love them and this isn't about them or the grandchildren.  I am trying to "get it together" but I don't know what that means.  Because at the end of the day I'm alone without the love of my life.

I have gone back to work two days a week in the office and the other three days I am working at home at the urging of my pastor.  My boss told me the other day that I come in the office, I don't talk to anyone and that I need to start reaching out to people because I am making them uncomfortable.    I have all I can do to go to work on the days I am there.   I am so appreciative of everything the folks in my office have done for me during my absence.  I have told them that.  I have, and would never, take advantage of anyone or deliberately make anyone uncomfortable.    I am telling you this because it is just an example of how people do not understand how hard this is.  And I guess I don't know how they would unless they have been where I am today.  I hope any of you reading this never has to experience the emptiness that I feel every day. 


I am putting these things in the Blog because I now understand what grief really means first hand.  I am hoping I can give you just a glimpse of what it feels like so you have some sort of understanding when you see me and you don't think I've "moved on" the way you might have thought I would.

My kids keep telling me I am stronger than I think I am.  They have been incredibly supportive and I could not ask for better children.  I'm not sure they are right but I'm working on it.


For those of you reading the Blog who think I should seek counseling I have done that as well. 


I continue to receive offers of help and I am so very grateful for that.  Thank you so much.


I am so thankful for those of you who continue to call and stop by.  Your never ending support means everything.




I am working on the November Lungevity walk and hope you will all be joining me.  I will be posting the information on my Facebook and Twitter pages (Kelly helped me set these up).  I am also hoping to advertise in the local papers so please be looking for it.  Lung cancer is such a devastating disease.  Please help me to bring an awareness of this disease for those who are living with and dying of this disease.



 

It's good to know that some of you are continuing to read the Blog.  Thank you so much for your support.   I do appreciate the comments. 

Every day is a struggle.  Everywhere I look, everything I do.  I keep thinking Tom will somehow come back.  Then the other day things got even worse.  I switched my cell phone over to our daughters plan to save money since I don't use any minutes and we no longer have two phones.  In doing so I canceled the line Tom and I had.  His voice mail was on the line.  The only connection I had that I could still hear him.  It's gone.  It's not bad enough that I lost him and now I can't even hear his voice.  It just keeps getting better.

I am posting this Blog to share with you the letter I sent to the Oncologist who treated Tom.  I'm hoping it will give you just a glimmer of what we went through the last several months.  I was a little kinder in the letter than I felt in my heart but I wanted to make sure he read it.  Maybe it will make some sort of difference for the next person.  I have eliminated the doctors name and address.

I’m not even sure where to begin although I felt it important to write to you summarizing the course of events that occurred throughout Tom’s treatment.

After months of Tom going to the doctor and having them continue to mis-diagnose his illness he was finally diagnosed with a tumor in his lung in May of 2010.  Needless to say, the wave of fear that came over us, I don’t believe could ever be explained.  The anger with the mis-diagnosis  that I believe was a blatant disregard for human life may fester forever.

Once he was diagnosed, he went through several tests to prove that he did, in fact, have non-small cell, stage 3A lung cancer.  This is the most information we ever received about this disease throughout his whole treatment.

We were then told he would receive 30-some radiation treatments along with chemotherapy as an aggressive approach to get ahead of the cancer.  We waited approximately six grueling weeks for the treatments to begin.  Throughout the summer of 2010 Tom endured this aggressive approach of treatment without ever complaining.  

Not once, during that time, did anyone ever explain to us what this disease might do, what our ultimate chances were, or how the disease worked in general.  We didn’t ask questions.  I’m not sure whether we didn’t ask questions because we were too afraid of what the answers might be or if we just didn’t know what questions to ask.  How would we know what to ask unless we had some experience or knowledge to base our questions on?

We were visited by a nutritionist, who, while being very pleasant,  added absolutely nothing to Tom’s treatment.    For someone to tell a cancer patient, going through treatment to try to continue to eat, and to eat things they didn’t eat even when they were well, showed me that they had their own agenda and did not listen to what we were telling them.

As Tom went through those treatments without ever complaining and with more courage than I would have ever had,    I continued to pray each day that he would be able to win his battle with cancer, as undoubtedly countless of other people do when battling this disease.

I made the decision that I would be his caretaker so that if something did happen I could be with him every minute that I could.   

The treatment took its toll on him.  He was so frail during that summer that he needed help getting up and getting dressed to face yet more grueling therapy each day and he did it because we were so hopeful that he would get better.

After his treatment, on December 21, we were told that the treatment hadn’t worked as well as you had hoped but that we would try to stay ahead of the disease by giving him more chemo after the first of the year.  Still, not much more information than that.

Of course, we all know what happened then.  The first of the year was barely there and Tom was experiencing excruciating pain in his spine.   Tom was admitted to the hospital for an MRI to see what was causing the pain.  We were repeatedly told by the hospital Oncologist that he thought Tom had a herniated disc.   Tom and I were ever hopeful.

Of course, typical of our experience with this disease the hospital stay, too, proved to be a fiasco.  The results of the MRI did not come back when expected.  I suppose, in hindsight, this may have been due to the diagnosis.  Once the results were in, the hospital Oncologist walked into our room told us very matter-of-factly that the cancer had spread to Tom’s spine and that he was sorry to tell us that but as long as the pain was under control Tom would be discharged.  We were also told that Tom would receive radiation treatments.

We thought the radiation treatments were going to help fight the cancer.  We did not know the radiation treatments were for pain management.  In fact, we were never told this and to this day do not know if that was the case.  I came to this conclusion based on something I read later that lead me to believe this to be the case.  It was NEVER because anyone informed us of what the next steps were.  In fact, it was a couple of weeks after the hospital stay before we had another appointment with you.  We were left in limbo.

Tom continued to get steadily worse.   He kept thinking it was the radiation.  Again, thinking, as with the lung cancer, the radiation was being administered to help destroy the cancer.  We met with you, at our follow up appointment.  We were told that in spite of the treatments the cancer  had spread.   There was nothing you could do.  You told us that we could get a second opinion but you didn’t think it would do any good.  You told us that we could get more treatment but  you didn’t think it would do any good.  You told Tom that you were going to put him on hospice so that he could live out the rest of his days with dignity and pain free.  You told us youwould see Tom in a few weeks and you left the room.  Tom and I looked at each other in shock and disbelief.

We felt that you couldn’t stop the cancer so you were “washing your hands” of us and that we were being pushed off a cliff.  Regardless of how you think the conversation went that is exactly how both of us left there feeling.

What a joke.   Tom didn’t even know what Hospice was and not once was it explained to him until the Hospice nurse came to our home a week or so later.

Not once, even then did anyone tell us what to expect and, to die with dignity? Please!  After what we have experienced I would be hard pressed to believe that anyone with cancer dies with dignity, whether they are on hospice or not.

Do I believe you did everything you knew how to do?  Yes.

Do I believe you could have given us more information, explained how this disease worked, been more compassionate?  Yes. 

Do I believe there should early detection and that testing for early detection is dictated by insurance companies?  Yes.

I would hope that this letter would encourage you to be more compassionate with your patients, even the ones you can’t save and that you would be more forthcoming with information.  Explain to your patients what is happening and why.  Make sure they know what hospice is.  It is, after all, their final decision.

It would also be my hope that you would advocate for early detection of lung cancer so there may be some small glimmer of hope for others.

I have lost the love of my life.  Tom and I were happily married for 40 years.  I am now at a loss to know how I am going to continue to get up each day without him and whether it’s even worth it.  He was a remarkable human being.  The likes of which there are a select few.    The world is NOT a better place without him.

I have enclosed a book for you, Love, Medicine & Miracles.  I hope you will read it and that it will help you to become a better practitioner or at least give you a different perspective.

I have come to have little faith in the medical community.  If you go to your doctor and he or she doesn't fix the problem, find someone else.  Don't always take their word for it.   Someone told me after I discussed this with them that that's why they call it "practicing medicine".  That gives you a good feeling, doesn't it?

I never used to read the obituaries.  Now I read them, look at the descriptions and wonder if those wives or husbands left, who have been married for many years like we were, are feeling as empty and alone as I feel now.  My heart goes out to them.

Take nothing for granted.  Take care of yourselves.  Take care of each other.  Live life each day.  Don't settle.  

Thank you for reading the Blog.  Thank you, again, for your support.  I hope the Blog has a message that teaches us all something, that makes us think about our lives and whether they are the way we want them to be, that makes us consider making changes if they aren't and that makes us treasure those that we love.

I'm not sure if anyone is reading the Blog anymore.  I guess Tracking Tom's Progress doesn't seem appropriate, and yet for me, to know that he's gone is so unbearable at times that I can't seem to make myself change the name.

It has been three weeks today since Tom passed away and I still can't believe it, or maybe I don't want to.

I'm not sure how one takes 40 years of their life and starts over.  I'm not sure how or why anyone would want to.

For those of you who didn't see Tom in those last month's of his life you would have no idea how horrible this disease actually is.   I also know he didn't want you to see him.  For someone who was as strong and independent as he was he hated having to give up his independence to have someone else take care of him.

Cancer is such a debilitating disease.  I know that I didn't understand how horrible it was until we went through it.  I would not wish this disease on anyone.

The nightmare doesn't stop after the person passes away because you always wonder if you should have done something else.  If you could have been a better caretaker.  If you had just tried harder would it have made a difference.

I love our kids and our grandkids with all my heart and yet waking up every day just doesn't seem worth it.  I'm not sure how to get past that or even if I ever will.  You go through the motions.  You get up every day because you have to.  I don't sleep because I hate to get up every morning knowing Tom won't be there, outside doing something around the house.  I don't want to think about vacations because after forty years of taking vacations with the love of your life, what do you do?  When I think about something that has to be done around the house I realize that I have to hire someone to do it.  I no longer can ask Tom what he thinks or if he can take care of it. 

I used to think even if he wasn't feeling well, as long as he was here everything was ok.  Of course, we all know that couldn't last.  He was in so much pain.  He was not able to sit, stand, or walk, and I know for Tom he would rather not be here.  He worried about me having to take care of him.  He was in so much pain and yet he worried about me.

When you think you've had a bad day, rethink it. 

The minister came to visit last week because he was worried about me being depressed.   I never thought about it but I know I don't like to leave the house.  Again, it's one of those things that if you leave and come home Tom won't be here.  He was always here.  I HATE this.  I can't bear the thought of leaving for any length of time and knowing he won't be here.

I don't say these things to make anyone reading this pity me.  I say them because I'm hoping that some small part of you will understand what a nightmare this is.

I'm sure there are those of you who would say "suck it up" "get over it".  I would hope you are never in this situation because, believe me, it's not anything you just get over. 

In all of this sadness and heartache I am so very grateful for those of you who continue to keep in touch.  Who call, at least once a week, to check up on me.  For all of you who sent cards,  put comments in the obituary section of the paper, came to the calling hours and to Tom's service.  Thank you so much.

Tami and Kelly continue to take turns coming over each night so that I won't be alone.  I am so very lucky that Tom and I have them in our lives.

 Kelly came over the other night and we were crying.  She too, felt her loss the other day, as I'm sure she does most days.  Her car wouldn't start, she was having some trouble with some things in her home.  She said "if Dad were here he could fix it and now I have no one". 

I am working on a Lung Cancer Walk to take place in Concord on November 5.  I have to do something.  The walk will be in memory of Tom.  I would hope that any of you who are able will attend. 

I would like to continue the Blog, with some useful information, if I can ever get to the place that I can do this and if any of you are interested.

Thank you, again, to those who are reading it and for your unending support.

This may not be the place for this but I wanted to tell you this rather than have you read it in the newspaper that Tom passed away at approximately 9:30 pm on March 10.

He was so strong but the cancer that consumed his body was so aggressive he just couldn't keep up.

I am convinced I will not recover from this even though people keep telling me I will.  How do you lose the love of your life of 40 years and recover?  I'm not sure how I'll ever get through each day.  Please do not think this is for sympathy because that's not who I am.  Because this is a Blog I am just expressing my thoughts.

Tom taught me so much.  He was so balanced.  So sure of himself.  So comfortable with the person he is.

As most of you know, he did all of the work on our house, remodeling, mowing the lawn, cutting wood, various repairs.  You name it, he did it.  One Monday I came home from work and asked him what he was doing.  He said "nothing".  I asked him why.  He said he took every Monday off.  He did nothing on Monday's.  He had that sense of "balance" that I surely do not have.  I hope I can learn from that.

I dented my car once (probably more than once) running into a parking garage poll or some other such thing.  He never batted an eye.  He used to say "It's done now.  All we can do is have it fixed".  He never let small things get in the way of more important things.

For those of you who have not experienced it, Lung cancer is a horrible disease.  It stripped everything he had away.  For those of you who have visited Tom recently you saw, first hand, the devastating effect this disease had on him.  He lost so much weight, he lost his ability to walk, his vision was impaired.  This man, who did everything, was reduced to being tended to which was the last thing he ever wanted.  He did not deserve this.  No one does.

I think he knew the end was coming.  I told him I could not do this alone.   I asked him if he would wait for me in heaven.  He said he would be sitting in his recliner, waiting for me to get there.  We talked about how much we loved each other and how lucky we were to have forty years together.  At one point we even talked about driving off a cliff together so we could be together but our kids quickly reminded me that I could become paralyzed, or worse, and still live.    I know he did not want to leave me.  I think because he wanted to make sure I would be okay.   I will never be okay.  How could I?  Please don't tell me I will because now I wouldn't believe you anyway.

I am so proud of our kids and how they helped us through this.

I am so grateful to my sister for just being there.

I am thankful for Tom's family and their support.

A special thank you to John, who took time away from his family to stay with us at the Hospice House.  Thank you so much John.   You are a true friend.

Thanks to all of you who followed the Blog, kept in touch, did what you do.  We will be forever grateful.

God Bless you.

I wished I had better news for the Blog but Tom didn't have a good week.

It's so hard to believe that not so long ago I was reporting that he was getting stronger every day.   I continue to pray for Tom's health and we take it day by day.

We are so humbled by the continued outpouring of support that we receive from friends and family.  You may get sick of reading this but it truly bears repeating over and over that as hard as this is, it would be much harder without that support.

Jeff stopped to visit and fixed our mailbox this weekend that was destroyed by the plow truck.  Brian sanded the driveway.  Donna, Jeanne and Nan stopped to visit this week along with Tom's mom, Dennis and Tammy and of course the girls.

We have received numerous offers to help and believe me I would be asking for help, I'm just not sure what to ask for.   Please know that your offers do not go unnoticed and they are very much appreciated.

Thanks Kel, Brenda and Kerry for your comments on the last Blog.

The Blog wouldn't be the Blog without my passing on some sort of information that I perceive as being useful.  For any of you watching ABC news they have recently been reporting on made in America products.  For those of you reading the Blog you also know that we have switched to all organic products, making our own dish washing detergent, cleaners, etc.etc.  We try to buy local milk and eggs.  After the recent news broadcast I think it makes sense to buy products made in America and will be doing so in the future.   Why this didn't occur to us before baffles me.   This weekend I was looking for on-line baby shower gifts for our niece.  As difficult as it was to find organic, made in the USA, crib sheets, onesies, and a baby blanket for the shower gift, it gave me a really good feeling knowing that we were purchasing organic, made in the USA products.  Shouldn't we support US workers?  And yes, products made in the US come with some pretty hefty price tags but if more products were purchased, wouldn't prices go down?  And, if we buy only things made in the US does that make us RedNecks?  Just something to think about.

I came across the following recently from Rev. Paul Osumi and thought it was worth passing along:

Do more than preach, practice
Do more than think, ponder
Do more than sympathize, empathize
Do more than scold, set an example
Do more than criticize, praise
Do more than dream, make it a reality
 
Thank you for reading the Blog and continuing to support us, it means so much.

Tom didn't have a great week this week.  We are taking it one day at a time.  He has so much courage.  I don't think I would handle things as well as he is if I were in his position.

For those of you who know Tom, you know he did practically everything around the house.  I keep telling him that I was already very aware of everything he did and that I didn't need to experience it first hand to truly appreciate it.  After shoveling snow, keeping the fire going, going to the recycle center every week, not to mention my fiasco with trying to dig the roof rake out of the snow and actually thinking I could use it.  I couldn't even lift it!  I was so convinced that I could help by shoveling the roof.  Needless to say, we had to hire someone to do it.  I also now know how to use the battery charger as the Jeep wouldn't start the other day so Tom walked me through how to use the battery charger.  That too, another fiasco, because evidently the reason it wouldn't start was because I didn't have the clutch pushed down far enough.  We called our son in law to help us out and, for him, it started right away.  Now, if you didn't know if before,  you can see how much I need Tom here.   He truly is one of a kind.

I will get to the numerous thank you's later in the post but there are some other things I would like to share with you.

Some time ago I bit the bullet and purchased a Vita-Mix blender.  If any of you have one you know they are very pricey.  That being said, they are awesome.  I make smoothies with whole fruit and greens (green smoothies), that are really good.   I originally bought it in hopes of making Tom some green smoothies - no go.   I make my own nut butters too.  No more buying peanut butter with other "stuff" in it.  In any case, a week ago, while trying to make a smoothie and do the other things I was trying to do (of course, I can't be doing just one thing) I took the lid off and pushed my fruit into the blender with the tamper that was provided.   You are not supposed to take the lid off.  You are supposed to take a portion of the lid off so the tamper does not end up in the blade.  Well, it did.  I broke my blender.  It was under warranty but due to my carelessness I thought they are never going to warranty it.  I called them and explained everything.  Evidently the Vita-Mix is designed to break where it did so the motor doesn't burn out when you put something in it you shouldn't.  They could not have been nicer.  The person I talked to was sending me a new part so I can fix it myself (well,  we'll see about that) AND a new tamper since mine was destroyed with the blade.  Here is the kicker.  They are sending it FREE.   Yes, I said FREE.  She was trying to help me out since I explained to her what I did.  Why can't all companies treat people this way?

And, here's another one... two of my sister-in-laws told me about the Bragg website.  www.Bragg.com.  A website based on health and wellness.  It's a great website.  If you get a chance, check it out.  As it turned out I purchased a gardening book and a vegetarian cookbook on line.  They called me about my order because the shipping I chose was expensive and they had cheaper shipping price that they wanted me to know about.  Not only that, but the vegetarian cookbook I ordered was no longer in print so they e-mailed me a copy - FREE.  Yes, again, FREE.  It gives me faith that there truly are companies who care about the people who purchase their products.  Maybe that's my idealistic view but I would do business with Bragg and Vita-Mix anytime and I would recommend them to anyone.  How nice it feels to do business with companies that you don't feel are taking advantage of you.

One more...For a long time I have been looking at "soap nuts" to use as laundry detergent and recently purchased some.  They are organic, have been used for thousands of years, are eco-friendly, biodegradable, hypoallergenic, unscented and highly effective.  They can be put in the compost pile when you finish with them.  Check them out at www.NaturOli.com.  By the way, they work great!

What Tom and I, and our kids are going through is incredibly difficult.  I don't say that for sympathy.  I say it because it's true.  As hard as it is, I know that without the support of friends and family, I don't know what would happen to us.

I keep saying we will be forever grateful and I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Tom's sister brought us a frozen chicken that she raised herself, pickles and relish that she made, along with brownies for Tom.  Of course he did not eat the brownies so guess who did.  I wished she raised chickens to sell.  She has the cleanest, meatiest, chickens I have ever seen and they aren't full of hormone laden stuff.  Thank you Penney.

Pip brought more peanut butter cookies for Tom before she left for a Florida vacation.

Jeff, our nephew plowed us out last week as he was making his other plow runs.

Jeff, our electrician, stops every week, without fail.  He bought Tom a model car and paint by numbers so he could try to do something during the day.

I received a very nice call from a former work mate last week wishing us the best and letting us know that he and his wife are thinking about us.

I don't think I formally thank my peers at work.  I was working between 2,200 and 2,300 hours a year (I know, I have nothing on you guys who have been plowing this winter) and someone, or someone(s) are picking up those hours for me.  Tom is my first priority, but I want the people who I work with to know what a sacrifice this is for them too.  Being away from their families more than they used to be in order to cover my workload.  I am truly appreciative.

Thanks so much to those of you who commented on the Blog...Kelly, Tami, Kerry, John, Sharon, Jeanne and Brenda (I think).  You're comments help me feel that you are in this with me.

I am so proud of our kids.  The numerous nights I call them in tears and they keep it together, at least while I'm on the phone.  I'm sure once they get off the phone with me they are in tears as well.  We are a close family and I know this is difficult for them too.  Thank you, girls, for all you do and for being our kids.

This disease affects us all.  All of those who help, call, visit.  I would ordinarily say we would return the favor if you ever need us to.  Instead I will say I pray we never have to return the favor to any of you.

Thank you so much for being there for us.

Where to start.....

It wasn't a great week this week.  If Tom does have one good day, several not so good days follow.

A long time friend of Tom's called this week to check in.  We haven't talked to him in a while.  He was unaware of Tom's condition and was, needless to say, quite surprised and upset that he didn't know.  He indicated that he wished someone had called him.

I have yet to call him back because I need to make sure I'm in the right place, in my mind, to discuss this with him.   In the meantime, I have thought about what he said - that he wished someone had called him - and the following occurred to me.  If someone gets married, has a baby, retires, gets a new job we might call our friends and family to let them know.  If someone gets a debilitating disease, looses their job, has a car accident, we don't call our friends and family to let them know.  Why, do you suppose that is?  Is it because we don't want people to think we are looking for sympathy?  Is it because it's hard to deal with, so we just don't do it?  Or, is it because we tend to share only the good news for whatever reason?   Who knows, just something to think about, and either way, good news or bad, support from friends and family is invaluable.

Jeff stopped this weekend to show me how to remove the flies from my bathroom light.  I am so inept at doing those chores.  Thank you Jeff.

Our nephew stopped to sand the driveway for us this weekend.  Thank you Jeff.

Our long time friend, and housekeeper, stopped by this week and brought us some tulips to plant indoors, just to bring some springtime into our home.  Thank you Brenda.

Tom's sister made him some peanut butter cookies.  Thanks Pip.  At least he is eating those. 

These are things that people are doing without being asked (well, I did ask Jeff to help with the flies because they were driving me nuts!!)  but just because they care.   As hard as this is, we continue to be so fortunate to have those people around us who care about us.

Thanks Jeanne, for your comment on the last Blog.  How could I not take care of Tom?  He is the love of my life.  I have spent 2/3 of my life with this man who is, without question, the best husband and father anyone could ask for.

I can't thank those of you enough who continue to stop to visit, call, e-mail and just support us in every way.  You can't have any idea, unless you are sitting where we are, how much this helps.

Finally, a post.  I want to apologize for not posting for the past couple of weeks.  I'm having a hard time dealing with this and wasn't sure I could post a Blog that would be worth reading so better not to post at all.

Tom is having a rough time.  Yesterday he had the best day he's had in a while.  Today, not so much.  He sleeps alot.  He's lost some weight, after having gained back the weight he lost after the summer.  We take it one day at a time.

As tough as this is we continue to be so grateful for friends and family.

Tom's sisters continue to check in, by calling and stopping by to visit.

Of course, Nan e-mails each day and comes to visit when she can.

Our long time friends who recently retired to Florida check in every Saturday morning.
 
Our very good friend and personal electrician Jeff and a long time friend who was in our wedding some 40 years ago came over on Saturday to be here while we had a new dishwasher installed, just in case I needed some help.  We are very thankful they were here.  In the past, Tom always did these things around the house so it's odd for us to have to hire someone.  I guess you do what you have to.

Tom received another beautiful hand made card from the ladies at DOT.  Thank you so much for keeping Tom in your thoughts.

Our nephew Jeff stopped a week or so ago to clean up the snow in the driveway.  Our other nephew is going to finish the tile floor that Tom has not been able to finish.

Brian and Ben have sanded the driveway and shoveled the roof of the camper.

Tami stops each day and Kelly stops a couple of times a week.   Tami picked up flowers for Tom to give me for Valentines Day and Kelly picked up cards.  How lucky are we to have such great kids.

As hard as all of this is I can't help but reflect on how fortunate we are to have such caring friends and family.  I can't imagine doing this without them.  I know you've seen this on the Blog numerous times but I will say it again.  I don't know how anyone would get through something like this without friends and family.  For us it's a Godsend.

Thank you all so much for being there and helping us out even when I don't update the Blog.  We are and will continue to be forever grateful.

As I said a long time ago, the first part of the Blog would be related to Tom and how he's feeling.  From there I would go on to organic information, life lessons and/or other information that I hope may inform and/or inspire you.

Tom had a tough week this week.  He hasn't been feeling well at all.  I'm hoping next week will be better.

I ask you all to keep him in your thoughts and prayers (as Kerry and Jeanne said please keep good thoughts!!).

Kerry, thank you so much for your insight.  Isn't it interesting how if we make some little changes in our lives it can make, not only a difference in our lives, but in the lives of others with whom we have contact?  The good Karma is an especially nice thought.    I'm reading a book called Love, Medicine and Miracles that also mentions how our attitudes can make all the difference in our health.  Isn't it better to be happy than to be hostile or angry with people, especially in the case of your horn blower.  Had you been angry,  my guess is he may have retaliated over what turned out to be just a bad horn connection. 

I have to admit mine is a work in progress but I think the more we try, the better we become as I'm sure you're realizing too.   If not better, at least happier.

Jeanne, thanks for your comments too.   As always, comments are very much appreciated.    And that's my lead in to what I've been thinking about all week.

I HATE this.  I HATE that Tom is sick.  I HATE that he is feeling miserable.  I want to do something and I'm stuck.  It's hard and I am definitely not in control which is a real problem for me.  Now, for the old cliche - out of something bad there is always something good.  While it's hard to find the good things there are some.  Or at least, an awareness that I wished I'd had a long time ago.

Throughout this process I know I continue to tell you how all of your support means everything.  What occurred to me last week was that Tom and I have been married for 40 + years.  I have always been close to my sister, and my brother too (before he passed away).  Tom and I weren't really close to his family because, like all of us, we are so busy raising kids, working, going to school there just wasn't enough time in the day.

Jeanne and Donna, Tom's sister's consistently check in.  Jeanne calls if she doesn't stop.  I truly enjoy their company, as does Tom.  I wished we (or I) had taken the time earlier to get to know them better.  I think they have a lot to offer and I would be proud to call them friends.  It's unfortunate that hindsight, rather than foresight, is 20/20.

This is not to take away from the rest of Tom's family whom we've had contact with throughout the years.  We are very appreciative of them, as well.

I have also made a new friend in our new sister-in-law Tammy.  She has a great heart and is a really good friend.  She, like everyone, wants to help but I don't know what to ask for.  She suggested that she come to church with me today.  What a wonderful, kind gesture.  Just to be there for support.  Something so simple and yet so kind.  Thank you Tammy.

It doesn't end here.  I couldn't be prouder of our daughters.   I think, as parents, we can take some credit for how our kids turn out.  But I also believe learning and growing never stops and continues well beyond when they leave the comfort of the home in which they grew up.   There are things that I am discovering about our kids every day.    I believe our daughters have turned out to be very extraordinary women.

I wonder if I would have discovered the things I have if Tom and I weren't going through this difficult time in our lives.    If anything good can come out if this that has to be it.

My sister, e-mails and keeps in touch constantly.  She is the primary care giver for our Mom and yet she makes sure I know where she is all the time in case I need her.  Just knowing she is there means so much.  Thank you Nan.

I have used this Blog to thank a few people that have been pretty constant in our lives, some always, some lately.  They are not the only ones.   If I were to name everyone this Blog would become a book and you would all loose interest.  It's when we are experiencing lows that people come to our aide, and we are incredibly fortunate to have the friends and family that have done just that.  I keep telling you that means everything when you are in a situation like ours.  You can't truly appreciate it unless you sit where we are but I will tell you if we are to look for the good in all of this it is to see the kindness and genuine compassion that people have shown to us.  The things we've learned about those we thought we knew.  Thank you so much.

First to update you on Tom.  He hasn't had a great week.  We were able to get into the radiologist on Tuesday so he has had four days of radiation.  He will have six more treatments.

I'm not sure if any of you reading the Blog has ever been through a similar situation and I'm also not sure there is a worse feeling than the helplessness that I feel in not being able to take this pain away from Tom.  He continues to be a trooper in dealing with this horrible disease.  I am so proud of him and could not ask for a better man in my life - in fact I don't think there is a better man than he is.

Now for my weekly lesson.  I have very little patience, not while driving, not for people who are rude, not for incompetence.   If I am in a situation where the person I'm dealing with is rude or unfriendly, I think "What a jerk.   They should find another job if they can't be pleasant".   A thought occurred to me while I was driving to the Pharmacy to pick up some pain medication for Tom this week.  I make a lot of assumptions when I think a person is a jerk because they are rude or unfriendly.  How do I know they aren't just having a bad day or that they aren't dealing with a similar situation that Tom and I are in, or heaven forbid something even worse?  Why is it okay for me to just assume they are a jerk because they weren't nice to me on a particular day?  I'm going to work at trying to be more understanding.  Not to make assumptions for something that I know nothing about.  To try to be nicer, even when someone isn't particularly nice to me.  I don't know if any of you ever feel the way that I do sometimes but I think if we all try to be more understanding and don't assume things about others we might all be better off.

One of the other thoughts I had this week was for you guys keeping the roads clear during the current blizzard.  For those of you who don't know, the guy's plowing the roads for DOT work tirelessly for hours on end to keep the roads clear for those of us driving on them.  When I say hours on end they are working straight for 16, 20, 30 hours or more.  Thank you!!

At church today the minister presented us with what it would look like if God had texted the Ten Commandments to Moses.  I thought it was fun and that I would share it with you.

M, PLS RITE ON TABS & GIV 2 PPL (Moses, please write on tablet and give to people)

1.  no 1 b4 me. srsly (No one before me, seriously)
2.  dnt wrshp pix/idols (Do not worship idols)
3.  no omg's (No Oh My God's - do not take the Lord's name in vain)
4.  no wrk on wkend (sat 4 now; sun l8r)  (no work on weekends - Saturday for now - Sunday later) (keep the sabbath holy)
5.  pos ok - ur m&d r cool (parents over shoulder ok - your Mom and Dad are cool)
6.  dnt kill ppl (do not kill people)
7.  :-X only w/m8 (sex only with mate)
8.  dnt steal (don't steal)
9.  dnt lie re: bf (don't lie to your best friend)
10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob (don't ogle your best friends mate, or ox, or donkey, mind your own business)

Thank you so much to all of you who are visiting, calling and helping to support us.

Donna and Jeanne stop in a least once a week.  I hope you know how much your visits mean to us!!

Tom's sister Penny brought us a chicken and a squash that she raised herself.  Thanks Penny.  They were both fabulous.

Nan and Ivan brought us a great fruit salad.    Nan, I am so glad you are my sister.  I love you.

Our friend, and personal electrician, Jeff continues to check in frequently.

Dennis and Tammy put in stair railings on our garage and cellar stairs so Tom could use them.   Thank you.

Thank you Brian for plowing and helping with the dump.  We appreciate everything you do.

Thanks Kel for cutting Dad's hair.

Thank you Jeanne, Sharon and Kerry for your comments on the last Blog.

I am noting those people who I have seen this past week.  In addition to those noted here we get calls, cards and well wishes from others as well.

I know you reading the Blog can't help but see the support we are so fortunate to have.  We are so grateful to all of you.  I'm not sure how we would ever get through this without you.    Thank you!!!

Several of you already know that Tom spent a few days in the hospital last week.   An MRI discovered cancer in his spine.  We have an appointment with the radiologist this week.  I'll keep you posted as we know more.

When we were at the doctors office last week we saw another state employee who was diagnosed with cancer over the Christmas holiday. 

I'm not sure if it's because we're going through this or if there is an increase in cancer cases recently but it seems that every where we turn someone is telling us they have been diagnosed with cancer. It's pretty unsettling.


One of our friends sent us the following survival kit and I thought it was worth passing on to you.  What you don't see is the picture of the survival kit that came with the e-mail (I tried to copy and paste it but couldn't get it to work).  The kit includes a toothpick, a rubber band, a band aide, eraser, a candy kiss, a mint, bubble gum, a tea bag and a pencil.

YOUR DAILY SURVIVAL KIT FOR 2011

Today, I am giving you a

DAILY SURVIVAL KIT  
to help you each day............

Toothpick ... to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.

Rubber band ... to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.  

Band-Aid ... to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.

Eraser ... to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors.

Candy Kiss ... to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.

Mint ... to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family & Me.

Bubble Gum ... to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.

Pencil ... to remind you to list your blessings every day.

Tea Bag ... to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over
that list of God's blessings. This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day.




Thanks again for reading the blog and staying with us. 

Tom didn't have a great week last week.  He had planned on doing some things around the house but as it turned out didn't feel very well so those plans have been set aside.

The most frustrating thing for me about this disease is that I can't fix it.  I just want to make things better for Tom.  I want him to have one day that he is feeling ok (truth be told, I want more than one but I'll take one at a time).  When you see someone you love going through this disease day after day, or any debilitating type disease it makes your heart sink.  Personally, I think he's handling this much better than I am.

I know, in my heart, that a positive attitude will help so on with the march.

Our daughter and her kids posted a list of the best and worst things of 2010 on her Blog.  I think that's a great idea.  It would be my hope that we could learn from some of the worst things that happen to us and cherish and repeat some of the best things.

Thank you all for your Christmas cards and well wishes for Tom.  They mean so very much to us.  And Julie, your hand made cards couldn't be more perfect.  Thank you!

Thanks Carla and Jeanne for your comments on the last Blog and your prayers for us. 

I went to Church yesterday and the minister said a prayer for Tom.   I was a little taken back as I had not discussed this with him but at the same time very appreciative as well.

We wish you all a very healthy and happy new year.  Thanks again for being there for us.