9:23 PM tomorrow will be one year since Tom passed away from his courageous battle with lung cancer.  It seems like yesterday.  How can you spend 2/3 of your life with someone and then they're gone?  People continue to say things will get easier.  They have no idea.  I don't believe they get easier.  It's just that you just keep going because it's the only choice you have.

I want him to come home.  I don't want to do this anymore.  It's just too hard. 
I clearly remember Tom lying in our bed telling me how unfair it was for him to keep going, how much he loved me, how he wouldn't change a thing; that he would wait for me in heaven.  I pray that he is waiting and that one day we will be together again because being without him is just "being" it surely isn't living. 

My last blog was about people being more compassionate.  To be more aware of what they say.  That saying "have a nice day" seems so insensitive.   I've come to realize that people mean well, they just don't know what to say.  They say what comes to mind in hopes it will make the person grieving feel better.  The reality is, that for me, nothing helps.  I'm not even sure time will help.  I keep thinking that I should have a more positive attitude by thinking about all of the good times that Tom and I had.  How much we loved each other and how blessed we were to have the kind of unbreakable bond we shared.  I know what I should be doing - getting there is a lot harder.  I truly wished it had been me, instead of Tom, but I know in my heart this wouldn't be any easier for him and my wish is for purely selfish reasons.

I don't write this blog for pity.  I'm hoping, in some small way, it helps people to understand the thoughts and feelings that occur when you've lost the most important person in your life.

I am very grateful for friends and family that help in ways that I can never thank them enough.

Thanks Tracey, for your comment on the last Blog.  Thank you too, Kel.  For those of you who really knew Tom - you have to know how difficult this is.  He was an amazing person, and there aren't many like him.  I will always love him.