I'm not sure if anyone is reading the Blog anymore.  I guess Tracking Tom's Progress doesn't seem appropriate, and yet for me, to know that he's gone is so unbearable at times that I can't seem to make myself change the name.

It has been three weeks today since Tom passed away and I still can't believe it, or maybe I don't want to.

I'm not sure how one takes 40 years of their life and starts over.  I'm not sure how or why anyone would want to.

For those of you who didn't see Tom in those last month's of his life you would have no idea how horrible this disease actually is.   I also know he didn't want you to see him.  For someone who was as strong and independent as he was he hated having to give up his independence to have someone else take care of him.

Cancer is such a debilitating disease.  I know that I didn't understand how horrible it was until we went through it.  I would not wish this disease on anyone.

The nightmare doesn't stop after the person passes away because you always wonder if you should have done something else.  If you could have been a better caretaker.  If you had just tried harder would it have made a difference.

I love our kids and our grandkids with all my heart and yet waking up every day just doesn't seem worth it.  I'm not sure how to get past that or even if I ever will.  You go through the motions.  You get up every day because you have to.  I don't sleep because I hate to get up every morning knowing Tom won't be there, outside doing something around the house.  I don't want to think about vacations because after forty years of taking vacations with the love of your life, what do you do?  When I think about something that has to be done around the house I realize that I have to hire someone to do it.  I no longer can ask Tom what he thinks or if he can take care of it. 

I used to think even if he wasn't feeling well, as long as he was here everything was ok.  Of course, we all know that couldn't last.  He was in so much pain.  He was not able to sit, stand, or walk, and I know for Tom he would rather not be here.  He worried about me having to take care of him.  He was in so much pain and yet he worried about me.

When you think you've had a bad day, rethink it. 

The minister came to visit last week because he was worried about me being depressed.   I never thought about it but I know I don't like to leave the house.  Again, it's one of those things that if you leave and come home Tom won't be here.  He was always here.  I HATE this.  I can't bear the thought of leaving for any length of time and knowing he won't be here.

I don't say these things to make anyone reading this pity me.  I say them because I'm hoping that some small part of you will understand what a nightmare this is.

I'm sure there are those of you who would say "suck it up" "get over it".  I would hope you are never in this situation because, believe me, it's not anything you just get over. 

In all of this sadness and heartache I am so very grateful for those of you who continue to keep in touch.  Who call, at least once a week, to check up on me.  For all of you who sent cards,  put comments in the obituary section of the paper, came to the calling hours and to Tom's service.  Thank you so much.

Tami and Kelly continue to take turns coming over each night so that I won't be alone.  I am so very lucky that Tom and I have them in our lives.

 Kelly came over the other night and we were crying.  She too, felt her loss the other day, as I'm sure she does most days.  Her car wouldn't start, she was having some trouble with some things in her home.  She said "if Dad were here he could fix it and now I have no one". 

I am working on a Lung Cancer Walk to take place in Concord on November 5.  I have to do something.  The walk will be in memory of Tom.  I would hope that any of you who are able will attend. 

I would like to continue the Blog, with some useful information, if I can ever get to the place that I can do this and if any of you are interested.

Thank you, again, to those who are reading it and for your unending support.