I'm not sure if anyone is reading the Blog anymore.  I guess Tracking Tom's Progress doesn't seem appropriate, and yet for me, to know that he's gone is so unbearable at times that I can't seem to make myself change the name.

It has been three weeks today since Tom passed away and I still can't believe it, or maybe I don't want to.

I'm not sure how one takes 40 years of their life and starts over.  I'm not sure how or why anyone would want to.

For those of you who didn't see Tom in those last month's of his life you would have no idea how horrible this disease actually is.   I also know he didn't want you to see him.  For someone who was as strong and independent as he was he hated having to give up his independence to have someone else take care of him.

Cancer is such a debilitating disease.  I know that I didn't understand how horrible it was until we went through it.  I would not wish this disease on anyone.

The nightmare doesn't stop after the person passes away because you always wonder if you should have done something else.  If you could have been a better caretaker.  If you had just tried harder would it have made a difference.

I love our kids and our grandkids with all my heart and yet waking up every day just doesn't seem worth it.  I'm not sure how to get past that or even if I ever will.  You go through the motions.  You get up every day because you have to.  I don't sleep because I hate to get up every morning knowing Tom won't be there, outside doing something around the house.  I don't want to think about vacations because after forty years of taking vacations with the love of your life, what do you do?  When I think about something that has to be done around the house I realize that I have to hire someone to do it.  I no longer can ask Tom what he thinks or if he can take care of it. 

I used to think even if he wasn't feeling well, as long as he was here everything was ok.  Of course, we all know that couldn't last.  He was in so much pain.  He was not able to sit, stand, or walk, and I know for Tom he would rather not be here.  He worried about me having to take care of him.  He was in so much pain and yet he worried about me.

When you think you've had a bad day, rethink it. 

The minister came to visit last week because he was worried about me being depressed.   I never thought about it but I know I don't like to leave the house.  Again, it's one of those things that if you leave and come home Tom won't be here.  He was always here.  I HATE this.  I can't bear the thought of leaving for any length of time and knowing he won't be here.

I don't say these things to make anyone reading this pity me.  I say them because I'm hoping that some small part of you will understand what a nightmare this is.

I'm sure there are those of you who would say "suck it up" "get over it".  I would hope you are never in this situation because, believe me, it's not anything you just get over. 

In all of this sadness and heartache I am so very grateful for those of you who continue to keep in touch.  Who call, at least once a week, to check up on me.  For all of you who sent cards,  put comments in the obituary section of the paper, came to the calling hours and to Tom's service.  Thank you so much.

Tami and Kelly continue to take turns coming over each night so that I won't be alone.  I am so very lucky that Tom and I have them in our lives.

 Kelly came over the other night and we were crying.  She too, felt her loss the other day, as I'm sure she does most days.  Her car wouldn't start, she was having some trouble with some things in her home.  She said "if Dad were here he could fix it and now I have no one". 

I am working on a Lung Cancer Walk to take place in Concord on November 5.  I have to do something.  The walk will be in memory of Tom.  I would hope that any of you who are able will attend. 

I would like to continue the Blog, with some useful information, if I can ever get to the place that I can do this and if any of you are interested.

Thank you, again, to those who are reading it and for your unending support.

This may not be the place for this but I wanted to tell you this rather than have you read it in the newspaper that Tom passed away at approximately 9:30 pm on March 10.

He was so strong but the cancer that consumed his body was so aggressive he just couldn't keep up.

I am convinced I will not recover from this even though people keep telling me I will.  How do you lose the love of your life of 40 years and recover?  I'm not sure how I'll ever get through each day.  Please do not think this is for sympathy because that's not who I am.  Because this is a Blog I am just expressing my thoughts.

Tom taught me so much.  He was so balanced.  So sure of himself.  So comfortable with the person he is.

As most of you know, he did all of the work on our house, remodeling, mowing the lawn, cutting wood, various repairs.  You name it, he did it.  One Monday I came home from work and asked him what he was doing.  He said "nothing".  I asked him why.  He said he took every Monday off.  He did nothing on Monday's.  He had that sense of "balance" that I surely do not have.  I hope I can learn from that.

I dented my car once (probably more than once) running into a parking garage poll or some other such thing.  He never batted an eye.  He used to say "It's done now.  All we can do is have it fixed".  He never let small things get in the way of more important things.

For those of you who have not experienced it, Lung cancer is a horrible disease.  It stripped everything he had away.  For those of you who have visited Tom recently you saw, first hand, the devastating effect this disease had on him.  He lost so much weight, he lost his ability to walk, his vision was impaired.  This man, who did everything, was reduced to being tended to which was the last thing he ever wanted.  He did not deserve this.  No one does.

I think he knew the end was coming.  I told him I could not do this alone.   I asked him if he would wait for me in heaven.  He said he would be sitting in his recliner, waiting for me to get there.  We talked about how much we loved each other and how lucky we were to have forty years together.  At one point we even talked about driving off a cliff together so we could be together but our kids quickly reminded me that I could become paralyzed, or worse, and still live.    I know he did not want to leave me.  I think because he wanted to make sure I would be okay.   I will never be okay.  How could I?  Please don't tell me I will because now I wouldn't believe you anyway.

I am so proud of our kids and how they helped us through this.

I am so grateful to my sister for just being there.

I am thankful for Tom's family and their support.

A special thank you to John, who took time away from his family to stay with us at the Hospice House.  Thank you so much John.   You are a true friend.

Thanks to all of you who followed the Blog, kept in touch, did what you do.  We will be forever grateful.

God Bless you.

I wished I had better news for the Blog but Tom didn't have a good week.

It's so hard to believe that not so long ago I was reporting that he was getting stronger every day.   I continue to pray for Tom's health and we take it day by day.

We are so humbled by the continued outpouring of support that we receive from friends and family.  You may get sick of reading this but it truly bears repeating over and over that as hard as this is, it would be much harder without that support.

Jeff stopped to visit and fixed our mailbox this weekend that was destroyed by the plow truck.  Brian sanded the driveway.  Donna, Jeanne and Nan stopped to visit this week along with Tom's mom, Dennis and Tammy and of course the girls.

We have received numerous offers to help and believe me I would be asking for help, I'm just not sure what to ask for.   Please know that your offers do not go unnoticed and they are very much appreciated.

Thanks Kel, Brenda and Kerry for your comments on the last Blog.

The Blog wouldn't be the Blog without my passing on some sort of information that I perceive as being useful.  For any of you watching ABC news they have recently been reporting on made in America products.  For those of you reading the Blog you also know that we have switched to all organic products, making our own dish washing detergent, cleaners, etc.etc.  We try to buy local milk and eggs.  After the recent news broadcast I think it makes sense to buy products made in America and will be doing so in the future.   Why this didn't occur to us before baffles me.   This weekend I was looking for on-line baby shower gifts for our niece.  As difficult as it was to find organic, made in the USA, crib sheets, onesies, and a baby blanket for the shower gift, it gave me a really good feeling knowing that we were purchasing organic, made in the USA products.  Shouldn't we support US workers?  And yes, products made in the US come with some pretty hefty price tags but if more products were purchased, wouldn't prices go down?  And, if we buy only things made in the US does that make us RedNecks?  Just something to think about.

I came across the following recently from Rev. Paul Osumi and thought it was worth passing along:

Do more than preach, practice
Do more than think, ponder
Do more than sympathize, empathize
Do more than scold, set an example
Do more than criticize, praise
Do more than dream, make it a reality
 
Thank you for reading the Blog and continuing to support us, it means so much.

Tom didn't have a great week this week.  We are taking it one day at a time.  He has so much courage.  I don't think I would handle things as well as he is if I were in his position.

For those of you who know Tom, you know he did practically everything around the house.  I keep telling him that I was already very aware of everything he did and that I didn't need to experience it first hand to truly appreciate it.  After shoveling snow, keeping the fire going, going to the recycle center every week, not to mention my fiasco with trying to dig the roof rake out of the snow and actually thinking I could use it.  I couldn't even lift it!  I was so convinced that I could help by shoveling the roof.  Needless to say, we had to hire someone to do it.  I also now know how to use the battery charger as the Jeep wouldn't start the other day so Tom walked me through how to use the battery charger.  That too, another fiasco, because evidently the reason it wouldn't start was because I didn't have the clutch pushed down far enough.  We called our son in law to help us out and, for him, it started right away.  Now, if you didn't know if before,  you can see how much I need Tom here.   He truly is one of a kind.

I will get to the numerous thank you's later in the post but there are some other things I would like to share with you.

Some time ago I bit the bullet and purchased a Vita-Mix blender.  If any of you have one you know they are very pricey.  That being said, they are awesome.  I make smoothies with whole fruit and greens (green smoothies), that are really good.   I originally bought it in hopes of making Tom some green smoothies - no go.   I make my own nut butters too.  No more buying peanut butter with other "stuff" in it.  In any case, a week ago, while trying to make a smoothie and do the other things I was trying to do (of course, I can't be doing just one thing) I took the lid off and pushed my fruit into the blender with the tamper that was provided.   You are not supposed to take the lid off.  You are supposed to take a portion of the lid off so the tamper does not end up in the blade.  Well, it did.  I broke my blender.  It was under warranty but due to my carelessness I thought they are never going to warranty it.  I called them and explained everything.  Evidently the Vita-Mix is designed to break where it did so the motor doesn't burn out when you put something in it you shouldn't.  They could not have been nicer.  The person I talked to was sending me a new part so I can fix it myself (well,  we'll see about that) AND a new tamper since mine was destroyed with the blade.  Here is the kicker.  They are sending it FREE.   Yes, I said FREE.  She was trying to help me out since I explained to her what I did.  Why can't all companies treat people this way?

And, here's another one... two of my sister-in-laws told me about the Bragg website.  www.Bragg.com.  A website based on health and wellness.  It's a great website.  If you get a chance, check it out.  As it turned out I purchased a gardening book and a vegetarian cookbook on line.  They called me about my order because the shipping I chose was expensive and they had cheaper shipping price that they wanted me to know about.  Not only that, but the vegetarian cookbook I ordered was no longer in print so they e-mailed me a copy - FREE.  Yes, again, FREE.  It gives me faith that there truly are companies who care about the people who purchase their products.  Maybe that's my idealistic view but I would do business with Bragg and Vita-Mix anytime and I would recommend them to anyone.  How nice it feels to do business with companies that you don't feel are taking advantage of you.

One more...For a long time I have been looking at "soap nuts" to use as laundry detergent and recently purchased some.  They are organic, have been used for thousands of years, are eco-friendly, biodegradable, hypoallergenic, unscented and highly effective.  They can be put in the compost pile when you finish with them.  Check them out at www.NaturOli.com.  By the way, they work great!

What Tom and I, and our kids are going through is incredibly difficult.  I don't say that for sympathy.  I say it because it's true.  As hard as it is, I know that without the support of friends and family, I don't know what would happen to us.

I keep saying we will be forever grateful and I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Tom's sister brought us a frozen chicken that she raised herself, pickles and relish that she made, along with brownies for Tom.  Of course he did not eat the brownies so guess who did.  I wished she raised chickens to sell.  She has the cleanest, meatiest, chickens I have ever seen and they aren't full of hormone laden stuff.  Thank you Penney.

Pip brought more peanut butter cookies for Tom before she left for a Florida vacation.

Jeff, our nephew plowed us out last week as he was making his other plow runs.

Jeff, our electrician, stops every week, without fail.  He bought Tom a model car and paint by numbers so he could try to do something during the day.

I received a very nice call from a former work mate last week wishing us the best and letting us know that he and his wife are thinking about us.

I don't think I formally thank my peers at work.  I was working between 2,200 and 2,300 hours a year (I know, I have nothing on you guys who have been plowing this winter) and someone, or someone(s) are picking up those hours for me.  Tom is my first priority, but I want the people who I work with to know what a sacrifice this is for them too.  Being away from their families more than they used to be in order to cover my workload.  I am truly appreciative.

Thanks so much to those of you who commented on the Blog...Kelly, Tami, Kerry, John, Sharon, Jeanne and Brenda (I think).  You're comments help me feel that you are in this with me.

I am so proud of our kids.  The numerous nights I call them in tears and they keep it together, at least while I'm on the phone.  I'm sure once they get off the phone with me they are in tears as well.  We are a close family and I know this is difficult for them too.  Thank you, girls, for all you do and for being our kids.

This disease affects us all.  All of those who help, call, visit.  I would ordinarily say we would return the favor if you ever need us to.  Instead I will say I pray we never have to return the favor to any of you.

Thank you so much for being there for us.